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Melissa Millott |
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THE REAL STORY OF PETER PAN It was all phony, you know? That guy completely distorted the facts just to sell his story. Pure Hollywood. All whitewashed, no reality. You know I got a bad rap. For one thing, everyone thinking I was a guy was terrible for business. Even now, people still make jokes about it, happened just the other day as a matter of fact. It isn't Hook either you know, it's Hooker. Captain Hooker. One thing he did get right is I run a tight ship. And Tink? That poor girl. She's no fairy. We just called her that 'cause she spends so much time floating high on that dust of hers. A real professional though, that one. Never misses a trick. One of my best. You want to talk about fairies you should look at that Peter a little closer. Come on, "Peter," an English guy who never grew up? Not very unusual, at least in my line of work. Peter was broke, trying to save his ass when he decided to concoct that silly story. He never imagined such utter nonsense would sell so well. You just know something wasn't quite right. Then again, take a look at some of the other stuff that sells. You can be sure some producer made a deal for something. I don't think Pete ever saw a dime on royalties, just signed his rights away. Then again, he didn't have a lot of options at the time. He'd say anything to add drama. That part about me and the clock, for example. He stole that one from this jerk with a bad line who would follow my girls anywhere hoping for a freebie, always sneaking up behind them and asking what made them tick. We called him "Crock," as in "of shit." Needless to say we worried when we saw him, a killer for business. Smee was another one, but I won't detail where he got his name, you don't want to know. Peter was completely unreliable. In fact, that was how he ended up writing that story. Lucky for him that damned bastard was much better at writing than he was at anything else. He originally worked for me you know. That's where the name came from, Peter Pandarus. He shortened it to Pan for his writing career, claimed it was too ethnic. I think he was just sick of the Trojans jokes, but that's a different story. The whole thing started with the Lost Boys. Yeah, you remember them? Well, that was the part he didn't make up, although it was closer to the film Hollywood made in the 80's or Anne Rice's Interview. They were vampires, a gang to be precise, and they got in a real tumble when one of my employees declined to donate blood. I can't say I blame her, after all, she was on the rag as already, a lousy time to mess with a working girl. In fact, that was the problem. See the boys know me and I know them. We have our "arrangements." See, we aren't really vamps and don't want to be, its enough to deal in flesh all day, living on blood would just be too much, but after all, what is a more important to a hooker than youth? Our deal was that we would do an exchange- they got as much sex as they wanted gratis (very handy for a vampire, they have trouble with day jobs) and we got small samples of "vampire" that way. Vampire semen works just a bit differently- it won't turn you into an actual vampire with a taste for blood, it just halts the aging process (and kills the HIV virus in its tracks). All in all, perfect for a working girl. A win-win situation and all the Lost Boys knew my ladies. The problem was that that night Tiger (the agent added the Lily part when he sent it to the children's publisher) was off-duty for her monthly shore leave and this Lost Boy was newly made. Lester had only been to my place a couple of times and that was probably why he didn't recognize Tiger right away. For her night off she had dressed up and wasn't wearing her signature semi-sheer tiger-print cat suit. That was a bad thing, cause she nearly ended up dead, when her occupation would have protected her. The vamp was in a rush and when he saw Tiger he was "hungry" in more ways than one, if you get my meaning. He tried luring her out with a few lines (probably would have worked if he's used coke instead of what's a nice girl like you, blah, blah, blah). She was having bad cramps though and turned him down cold. She didn't recognize him or she probably would have save herself some trouble by telling him who she was upfront, they understood the shore leave policy and let's face it, nothing's going to terrify a vampire, but Chief (my security pro) is not one to mess with. Les just wouldn't give up, not that I blame him. Tiger is one hell of a looker. She might not have been Peter's first, but she was his favorite, and a lot of others' too. Gorgeous cat's eyes, golden mane of curls, Les had decent taste, that's for sure. Tiger was the star of my house at the time. All the girls were jealous, especially a new girl named Wendy. Wendy was new and she was jealous of Tiger because she was secretly hoping to land Peter herself, though I can't see why. Tiger wasn't particularly interested in Pete anyways, so Wendy was jealous for nothing. To Tiger, Peter was merely another a trick, and a bit of a nuisance as well. He kept hanging around her and it was bad for business, especially since he was perpetually broke and kept losing jobs, mainly because he was simply immature, quit when a shift interfered with his desire to see Tiger. Tiger would have loved to palm him off on the new girl if she could. Wendy should have asked and Tiger would have done her best to redirect him. Then again, if that happened, Peter never would have sold his story, you wouldn't be doing this interview for the DVD special features, life would be different. Anyways, I don't really blame Les. It was really Wendy's doing, even though Peter later fell for her and made her the heroine, which really upset Tink, who thought she was perfect for the role, that is until we told her it was heroine, with an "e" at the end. She quieted down pretty quick after that. Wendy was so determined to cause trouble. There she was, across the room, watching Les and Tiger play cat and mouse. She had been Les' date on his first night I know, 'cause I checked the records later. There's no doubt she knew who they both were, though to this day I am not sure what her intentions were. Was she trying to get rid of Tiger completely? Was she just jealous and stirring up trouble? Had she planned to step in and come out looking like a hero to impress Peter? I couldn't say. She never said. The details are a little spotty. We do know that Tiger was getting royally pissed after awhile. We know from Les's buddy that some chick who matched Wendy's description was egging him on, saying everything from Tiger was playing hard to get and he would have to be more aggressive to later saying that Tiger had mislead him, that she was a tease and that Les was too much a man for Tiger to treat that way. Little Miss Wendy in the white shortie nighties and glossy lips. Pure man trap, that one. Well, she really screwed up this one. Like I started to say, the details are a bit confusing, several versions, etc. To my understanding there was considerable back and forth that ended with Les trying to manhandle Tiger. Now, Tiger is a working girl and she didn't take this well, and she was, like all my girls good at self-defense, not that any human female is really going to have good results with a vamp. Still, she managed to do a fair bit of damage, at which point, Les made the mistake of kidnapping her. It took us almost eight hours to find her and it was Peter who did finally found her. He never said how he knew where to find her but given that he started spending all his time with her after that, it seems likely Wendy tipped him off. I know in the story Pete saves Tiger, but that wasn't exactly it. He found her, but it was his noisy bravado and attempts to see her that led us to her. At the time, Peter was clueless about the vampires. He just knew someone had Tiger. If you want my opinion, I think Wendy blackmailed him. She told him Tiger was in danger, then she made him promise to marry her or she wouldn't tell him where Tiger was. What a manipulative little whore, huh? When Peter realized that Wendy had done this to Tiger because of him, he felt so guilty I think he just had to save her so he gave his word. The long and the short of it was that Peter was so noisy he led Chief right to Tiger and it was Chief who saved her. Les was willing enough to let her go when he saw Chief and realized he was messing with the arrangements. He wanted Tiger but not enough to jeopardize his chance at free sex for all eternity. Vamps are no different from mortal men when it comes to thinking with their cocks. Peter was merely the dog who sniffed out Tiger's location. The real problem was that he had no clue what he was dealing with, Wendy didn't warn him. Peter thought he was going to be a hero. I guess he was hoping Tiger would finally appreciate him, but maybe he was just genuinely scared for her. Anyway, he launched himself at Les. Well, obviously you don't just launch yourself at a tired, horny grouchy vampire who has had his ego bruised already and finally has the object of his desire tied and gagged in front of him. It didn't go well, though Peter did do some decent damage. I was right behind Chief and so I caught the tail end of it. Needless to say Chief and I went for Tiger first, then we intervened between Les and Peter with the help of Les's maker. It wasn't a pretty sight. Les wasn't nearly untouched, but Peter was a disaster. He had lost a ton of blood and he was close to death. Only one thing was going to save him and needless to say he wasn't real popular with the vampires, though there was some sympathy since Les had, after all, kidnapped someone he shouldn't have and if Peter hadn't come, well, they didn't like what might have happened if Les had finished what he intended. At any rate, they let us take Peter, said they would convene and let us know the outcome. We took Peter back to my place and put him in an empty bed. We knew he wasn't going to last long without help, but what could we do? Eventually, the head vamp arrived with a group. I won't give his name because I don't know it. He is never addressed by name, at least, not in my presence or any of the girls, and he never uses any of them for sex. No explanation. They had made a deal. None of the vamps were willing to feed him gratis, not after his attack on Les, it just wasn't acceptable. Terms would have to be made. They asked for money, of all things. I am guessing that they would have taken him anyways so as not to risk damaging our arrangement but that this was motivated by some other issue. Peter, of course, was broke. They pretended to be surprised by this but I knew better, these guys were not uninformed, they wanted something but I wasn't sure what. I thought I should wait and see. They conferred again from across the room and I saw the leader watching me and watching Peter, lying limply on the bed. I couldn't understand the expression. Eventually, they came back and one of the younger ones approached Peter's side. "We have an alternative," he said. Peter opened his eyes. The vamp told us that if Peter would agree to write down a fictional story about the Lost Boys, they would help him. Peter looked at them, then he said he knew nothing about writing. The vamps all looked at him for a long time. "We know all about it. The way you have been writing all those books under different names and basing them on Captain Hooker and the girls. We don't know what you do with the money but we know all the titles, the copyrights you broke, all of it. End of the road. You need our help, we need your skills. Writing in blood so to speak. Do we have a deal?" Peter agreed, carefully avoiding my eyes. I had no idea. One of the vamps flipped out a contract to Peter's surprise and I wonder to this day whether it was all a set-up. Maybe there was more to Wendy than I knew. At any rate, after they signed the contract, one of the vampires fed Peter. It really was true that he is eternally young, though obviously his version glosses completely over the details. I haven't seen Peter in a long time, though I saw Les and a few of the other Lost Boys last year, they stopped in to visit. They all moved away several years after Peter joined them. I heard they went to Hollywood. I wondered when I saw that movie in the 80's. Brought back a lot of memories, but I can't complain. Before they left we made a sweet little deal to buy my silence. An agreement was made where they left a sizable quantity of vampire semen in a freezer around here. It may have been the very first unofficial sperm bank. Whenever we run low, they somehow know, and more frozen sperm appear. No contact that I know of. None of my employees gets old, or sick, or dies and not one has ever had an STD. Needless to say, that's been good for business. Wish I could tell you more, but that's really all I know. What was it this interview was for again? A feature story for an upcoming vampire movie? What did you say the vampire's name was? Peter? You didn't mean the real Peter? I love it. Wow. You'll have to say hi for me. Tell him I'll be first in line at the theatre and first to preorder the DVD on Amazon. Tell him I said good luck and I'm sure it will be a hit. Wait, tell him that the girls and I know just how good he is with the de-VD. He'll get it. I can't wait to tell Tink. She's gonna die. Peter, the long Lost (and found) Boy. News at eleven. What a world. |