small magazine ken
"listen, he plays in compositions, others
just play tunes."
said of charlie mingus
prodigal son always returning
smothering-mothering welcome home
desperate bitter
love dad hate dad
waking walking nightmares
"narcisstic" delusions of grandeur
declaring "i'm the poet"
writing wet dream loser
"son of pity poor me" refrains
creating new
definition of pathetic
dimension for absurdity
alienated ignoring
"you never get on jeopardy"
taunts and jeers
worshipping others exciting personas
bukowski kerouac bro brautigan
unable to RISK their dangers
becoming mad acting alive
buk small room exile
dark rhythmic rachmaninov echoes
jack alone
"on the road" nights
richard "troll hut" hermitage
contesting elusive damn muse
ghosts
vincent
hieronymus
ludwig
wagner
einstein
pressing true visions chasing PARADISE
tragic "designated" victim
lost cliched malaise
sloppy blowjob pretender
failing secrets being a man
ability to LOVE unconditionally
deep holy profane
brave talk bardic bravada
still the little boy
scared of darkness
soft whispers "honey" "sweetheart"
AFRAID
what others say.
small magazine barbie
escaping distant attic retreat
sweet dreamy ecstasies
accumulating small magazine ink
growing feminine celebrity
warm strokings comfort tiny ego
whispery self congratulations
writing pages grandiose poetry
abandoned forgotten lost
"white noise" of failure
poor copies imitating
sylvia
sexton
heavy metal rant
cobain's ghost
emotionally arrested eternal 4-teen
acting cool in control
NO joie de vivre
"didn't have a dad"
"didn't need a man"
only having SEX
never achieving sharing intimacy
angry THRASHINGS
wedding cake honeymoon dreams
sophisticated european women
"creme de la creme"
attractive young femme-filles
unashamed of beauty their NAKED selves
shallow intellectual veneer
uncomfortable with thinkers ideas
reclusive lone "safe" sanctuary
PRATTLING
dusty gray "isms"
my god says party line
WOMAN'S DAY wisdoms
mtv perpetual adolescense
"glam mags r us"
abandoning search elusive love happiness
brutal whipsawing heartbreaks betrayals
existing on angry crisis edge meltdown
SUICIDE "last hurrah"
hiding sad mediocrity
RIP cemetery headstone epitaph
"she didn't
grow."
growing graybeard "muerte"
"touristas bastardus" nervous swarming noise
sudden reminder bardic exile splendor
visiting survivors conspicious consumpton fevers
florida plates
flashy rings jewelry
expensive watches
sporty vacation togs
tans
"we made it" effete snobbery
toys still important necessary
salving little boy hurts
small girl disappointments
growing collection STUFF
garage
basement corners
yard sales
dumpsters
landfills
"graying" last hurrah
soon becoming carbon dust
forgotten cemetery headstone letters
coming labor day yooper liberation
quiet "long white" season returning
loving passionate mornings nights
young rascally polish poet BRIDE
shifting between mad holy oneness
small village metes friendly kindness "light"
early dawn shadows alone aerie writing corner
wrestling SLOUCHING TOWARD CALVARY
unfinished literary "magnum opus"
prose-poem chapbook manuscript ENIGMA
traveling with "snowy" faithful companion
over the hill "boho beat" poet
rich malt complexion tats pony tail
fighting precious "rat bastard time"
contesting elusive damn lady muse
noble demanding tough adversary
like small child cancer ravished failing
falling asleep nights lovers warm embrace
coloring book page unfinished
tomorrows distant uncertain
never being twenty-one again
rally impossible youth not coming back
age of NO time outs
life now "sudden death" ot
quickly passing autumn weeks months year
waiting rainy late october sign
ghosts of yesterday today
come calling moving through gray mists
last journey final mountain climb
alpine eiger bardic fantasy of the mind
leaving femme-fille loving mate
"shortterm" together time running out
deep rich warm holy profane memories
DEATH'S coming no surprise
silent passing on my terms NOT
scared angry leaving with regrets
preserving dignity denying
nursing home hospital bed deterioration
endless waiting cart-tray nourishments
"hellooooooooo jelloooooooo" hors d' oeuvres
stroke dementia unable to think die
feeding tubes
sedatives
bed restraints
oxygen tank
memory gone parkinson twitchings
nausea
diarrhea
bloating
infections
PAIN
final minutes choking
wondering grown bard kids
curious their father's life poetry
attending old man's memorial service
seeing what young wife looks like
sons daughter delivering funeral eulogy
dad's rehabilitation final hysterical ragings
graybeard poet old fart determination
off to CLIFFS one last ascent
yardbird's "sparrow's last jump"
low hummmmmmmmmmmmmmming brain skull cavity
"mister bojanles" careful steps
taking leave alone up granite rock facing
not looking back down
going out alive
still dancing.
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