my love
my love was shiny once,
belonging to someone
else - the leather was good,
her seats intact, not a
single burn but
this is my love now
and there is tread missing,
lenses cracked, the dashboard
keeps falling down and the belt
whines uncontrollably
with sadness, which
only brings my foot down
violently, through the floor
boards, how stern i can be.
i dont know anything different.
there will probably never be a
brand new love
for me, one fresh off the floor,
no damage, no stress, no
history, and i suppose i want
it that way.
i buy compounds and rosins
and make-believe.
i buy flowers and make do.
**********************************************
memoria
half midnight
no good trying to sleep
instead
listen to symphony and
recall final road trip
with michael, twisting
along old roads
winding up
and through olympic national forest
in search of frank till
presumed bartending in ocean shores,
one-legged zeus and me
in camper van
tom waits accompanying
eyes straining through blue tobacco
smoke and
unbelieveable treelines.
dreaming mind moves out to aberdeen
painful to think of mike alone there,
months later, small stipend
& logging town death, hated driving through it
hate thinking of it still.
two of us drinking beer
eating bad mexican food
couldnt find till, persona non grata, instead, fart our way onto shoreline,
warn michael not to get us stuck,
pacific ocean swelling twenty feet
terrifying,
mariners losing badly to baltimore
old transistor radio holding on,
two days from hitting the road back to florida
200 dollars and 20 yr old toyota pick up
no insurance
no spare
little hope -
mike says, yer a fucking idiot nelson,
dont go, come stay in oly, it will work itself out,
mariners blowing the whole series,
soon mike sleeping, couldnt find frank,
probably off fucking some blonde said mcneilley,
mike said: yould like frank. frank would like you,
ok i said fine
and rain coming in from seoul,
amazing flotsam on beachhead, entire logs washed ashore like sticks.
mike snoring so i decide on a walk,
not five minutes out and im soaked,
grey inside as sky is out
need a beer,
have no beer
have no money,
but ok, thats ok, mike says later,
buys me a carton of cigarettes
pint of whiskey & a lighter
says you take tom fishing one of these days
tom likes to fish, we'll be square then,
yeh i say i can do that no trouble
no trouble at all.
**********************************************
with hammers
how did it occur,
such tragedy?
my mother
so catholic and
virginal, then,
my father - the cocksure
seaman - nordic &
fierce,
did they
plug themselves together
in conspiracy, his cock
down her lying throat?
look kathleen, lets make
us a son, christen him for scotland
pet his pretty head
then
wreck him
with hammers
**********************************************
consideration
murdering
trout
in a cool
clear
ozark stream
6:45am and
first ray of sun
peaking the dam,
water's surface
glistening
just below mist,
creel half-full
already and
less than an hour
since
first wading in.
i smile, think
this makes me an
optimist
after all,
eh?
tom
is nowhere to
be found. i
promised mike i would
take tom fishing,
never made it,
mike dead now, just
so much dust as
new mexico is to dust
so is michael
and tom
tom has no fish
and i dont
feel right somehow
yet
creel half-full
yet
will eat again
tonight, yet
rent paid
power paid
mind together somewhat
and woman tugs at cock and
balls and
4yr old says:
Papa you have very hairy testicles
&: i will have hairy testicles too a long day from now, yuh?
and i smile
rolling over naked with
his gorgeous mother in bed
think i must get off my ass
stop smoking
stop looking at porny
stop eating pork chops and eggs
or
corned beef hash and eggs
or anything
before my own heart
stumbles
falters
sleeps.
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